Funny & Hot JOKES

Set Up, Punchline, Set Up, Punchline: How I Write a Joke | by Shannon Yarbrough | Medium

How does Christmas Day end? With the letter Y.

Warning: Wear your mask at home.This is not to avoid the virus.it’s to avoid the constant eating.

How do you measure a snake? In inches—they don’t have feet.

What’s the difference between hungry and horny? Where you stick the cucumber.

Why did 18 blondes go to a movie ?Because below 18 was not allowed.

I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

Where should you go in the room if you’re feeling cold? The corner—they’re usually 90 degrees.

What does Pinocchio’s lover say to him? “Lie to me! Lie to me!”

What did one wall say to the other wall? I’ll meet you at the corner.

An old couple is ready to go to sleep. The old man lies on the bed, but the old woman lies down on the floor. The old man asks, ”Why are you going to sleep on the floor?” The old woman says, “Because I want to feel something hard for a change.”

What’s the difference between light and hard?You can sleep with a light on.

Blonde: “What does IDK stand for?”
Brunette: “I Don’t Know.”
Blonde: “Why doesn’t anyone know!”

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, “Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!” I said, “Wow!” Then her friend said, “She means 666-3629.”

What do you call it when a group of apes starts a company? Monkey business.

Emoticon, Smiley, Smilies, Happy

“Your X-ray showed a broken rib,but we fixed it with Photoshop !!”

WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?You need a rough draft before you make a final copy.

What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

What does a house wear? Address!

Eve: “Adam, do you love me?”Adam: “Who else?”

A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, “Do you have any last requests?”“Yes,” replies the murderer, “Can you please hold my hand?”

What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator.

Which rock group has four guys who can’t sing or play instruments? Mount Rushmore.

Do you know your ABCs? ‘Cause I wanna give you the fourth letter of the alphabet.

A guy goes in for a job interview and sits down with the boss.
The boss asks him, “What do you think is your worst quality?”
The man says “I’m probably too honest.”
The boss says, “That’s not a bad thing, I think being honest is a good quality.”
The man replies, “I don’t care about what you think!”

What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree. Her mom responded, “Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!” Maria replied, “See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!”

What gets wetter the more it dries?A towel.

Why do French people eat snails? They don’t like fast food!

The funniest Covid-19 memes and jokes - Liberty on the Lighter Side

WHY DON’T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX? They don’t have enough time.

What did the penis say to the condom? Cover me, I’m going in.

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.

Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.

What did the banana say to the vibrator? Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!

What do you call a useless piece of skin on a penis? A man.

HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
Don’t know – it never happened.

My wife asked me to go get 6 cans of Sprite from the grocery store. I realized when I got home that I had picked 7 up.

What do boobs and toys have in common? They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up playing with them.

We should play strip poker. You can strip and I’ll poke you.

Do you want to hear a construction joke?Sorry, I’m still working on it.

Graphic, Smiley, Emoticon, Cool

When a woman says “What?”, it is not because she didn’t hear you. She is actually giving you a second chance to change what you said.

Husband and his wife are sitting in front of their PC and trying to set up a new password.The husband types ‘mypenis’ as a password. The wife immediately falls on the ground laughing as she sees an error message on the computer screen that reads as “Error! Password’s not long enough!”

What did the elephant say to the naked man?How do you breathe through that tiny thing?

What are the three shortest words in the English language? “Is it in?”

Did you know that milk is the fastest liquid on earth? A: It’s pasteurized before you even see it.

Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
When they come they’re wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.

What did the O say to the Q? Dude, your dick’s hanging out.

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.

Who was the worlds first carpenter?  Eve, because she made Adam’s banana stand.

Want to hear a joke about my penis?Nevermind. It’s too long.

When is Mother’s Day? Nine months after Father’s Night.

WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH? Because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn.

How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

A child kills a butterfly.
Father says, “No butter for two weeks!”
The child  kills a honeybee.
Father says, “No honey for two weeks!”
Mom kills a cockroach.
The child turns to his Father and says, “Are you gonna tell her or should I do it?”

What’s long and hard and full of seamen?A submarine.

What comes after 69? Mouthwash.

If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, chances are… you have small boobs.

What did the tie say to the hat?You go on ahead. I’ll hang around.

There are two theories of arguing with women. Neither one works.

Is google a man or a woman?A woman of course, because it won’t let you finish your sentence without making a recommendation.

69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.

WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
They don’t stop to ask directions.

Mt. Rushmore from the Canadian Side | joe-ks.com

What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? I want you inside me!

What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave?  Thanks for coming!

What does tofu and a dildo have in common? They are both meat substitutes.

Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, “It’s dark in here isn’t it?”
The other replied, “I don’t know; I can’t see.”

What kind of Bees produce milk? Boobees.

An old woman walked into a dentist’s office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, “I think you have the wrong room.” “You put in my husband’s teeth last week,” she replied. “Now you have to remove them.”

Do you want to come to my time machine? We stop somewhere between ’68 and ’70

“Honey, I have a problem at work”.She: Not “I”, but “We” have problems – since we are married. Your problems are my problems as well.He:Okay! Then I wanted to let you know that we got our office girl pregnant.

He: “Why did you marry me?”She: “Because you are so funny”.He: “I thought it was because I am so good in bed”. She: “You see? You are hilarious”.

An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her naked,waiting for her husband. The mother asks the daughter, “What are you doing naked?” The daughter responds, “This is the dress of love.”When the mother returns home, she strips naked and waits for her husband. When her husband arrives, he asks her, “What are you doing naked?” She responds, “This is the dress of love.””Well,” he says to her, “go iron it.”

Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon? It had great food, but no atmosphere.

A blonde was filling up an application form for a job. She promptly filled the columns titled NAME, AGE, ADDRESS etc. Then she came to the column “Salary Expected :” She was not sure as to what to be filled there. After much thought she wrote : Yes.

What’s the difference between a G-spot and a clitoris? Men don’t care.

This blond says, “Did you know that 99.9% of the people are dumb?!Fortunately, I belong to the remaining 1%.”

A 70-year-old man asked his wife:Do you feel sad when you see me running after young girls? She: No, not at all. Even dogs chase cars they can’t drive.

What did the 0 say to the 8 ? Nice belt.

funny-busted-memes

Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement.In the end, you ignore everything and click “I agree”.

What goes in hard and dry then comes out wet and soft? Chewing gum.

What did one hat say to the other? You wait here. I’ll go on a head.

What do anniversaries, the toilet bowl and the clitoris all have in common?Men usually miss all of them.

Why are Penises the lightest things in the world?
Even thoughts can raise them.

Why can’t a blonde dial 911?She can’t find the eleven.

What do you call bears with no ears? B.

Why men’s voice is louder than women? Men have an antenna.

I lost my virginity. Can I have yours?

HOW IS LIFE LIKE A PENIS? Your girlfriend makes it hard.

A son asks his father, “What can you tell me about politics? The father replied, “OK, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy. Let’s say that I’m a capitalist because I’m the breadwinner. Your mother will be the government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?”
The little boy said, “Well, Dad, I don’t know, but I’ll think about what you said.”
Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, the little boy was awaken by his baby brother’s crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper. So, he went down the hall to his parent’s bedroom and found his father’s side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn’t wake up. Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid.The son then turned and went back to bed.
The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table,”Dad, I think I understand politics much better now.” “Excellent,my boy,” he answered, “What have you learned?” The little boy thought for a minute and said, “I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class, government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and the future’s full of crap.”

Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs? They always take things literally.

WHAT DO YOU CALL A BALD MAN WITH A BUTT HEADED FACE?
The answer is butt man.

A young brunette goes into the doctor’s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
“Impossible,” says the doctor. “Show me.”
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on, everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, “You’re not really a brunette, are you?”
She says, “No, I’m really a blonde.”
“I thought so,” he says. “Your finger is broken.”

What did one traffic light say to the other? Stop looking at me, I’m changing!

What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father in law.

What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cube have in common?The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

Let’s play carpenter. First, we’ll get hammered, then I’ll nail you.

Why do some couples go to the gym? Because they want their relationship to work out.

What did Mars ask Saturn? A. Hey, can you give me a ring some time?

Which sexual position produces the ugliest kids? Ask your mum!

A man tells a Rabbi, “I want to live forever. What can I do?”The Rabbi says, “Go and get married.”

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?One is really heavy and the other’s a little lighter.

Why Pepsi taste so good today

How does Moses make tea? He brews.

 What does one boob say to the other boob? If we don’t get support, people will think we’re nuts.

The first rule of the Alzheimer’s club is…Wait, where are we again?

What did the penis say to the vagina?  Don’t make me come in there!

A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!” The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you …”

Whats long and hard and has cum in it? A: a cucumber.

What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something smells.

“Hey, I bet you’re still a virgin.”
 “Yeah, I was a virgin until last night .”
 “As if.”
 “Yeah, just ask your sister.”
 “I don’t have a sister.”
 “You will in about nine months.”

Knock Knock! Who’s There? May I come in? May I come in who? May I come in you!

I asked my partner if I was the only one, she’s been with. She said, “Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights”.

She:Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he goes to work, why don’t you do that?He:How can I? I don’t even know her.

“Mom, where do tampons go?””Where the babies come from, darling.”
“In a stork?!”

What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?  Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.

What do electric trains and women’s breasts have in common? They were originally intended for children, but it’s the men who play with them the most.

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